Tossing and Tortured 'Till Dawn

I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.

Friday, August 26, 2005

It would be easier to write in this thing if I could take my computer anywhere with me, but gods forbid Apple make a power adapter that actually works.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

listen up, time, stop getting yourself lost and get found again.

And, moving furniture doesn't mix as well with broken wrists as you might think.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

The game goes like this: Go to Google, type in "(My name) is", including the quotes. Copy and paste the first 10 responses you see.

1.) Lucas is best known for his results in number theory.
2.) Lucas is giving you what you wanted, but you're still pissy about the other two.
3.) Lucas is a smart man, he knows all about God.
4.) Lucas is a Fuckwad and will remain so until someone turns back time and gives Lucas a lobotomy.
5.) Lucas is so mind-bogglingly powerful.
6.) Lucas is an extremely entertaining yarn that sports fine performances.
7.) Lucas is a sexist!
8.) Lucas is an impeccable dresser, a smooth operater and a lady's man.
9.) Lucas is a CIA asset.
10.) Lucas is guilty of reckless mass manipulation and wanton obscuring.

1.) Robin is considered a reckless rogue.
2.) Robin is bonking into my window!
3.) Robin is, in fact, impetuous, hot tempered, a poor loser
4.) Robin is flexible and will turn to whatever food is most readily accessable.
5.) Robin is pleased that they outwitted the sherriff yet again.
6.) Robin is a familiar sight pulling up worms on suburban lawns.
7.) Robin is secretly a witch.
8.) Robin is NOT something only experts can tackle.
9.) Robin is not a skillful architect.
10.) Robin is a fox.

1) Sam Is Dead
2) Today, Sam is a severely disturbed 11-year-old who still has no permanent home
3) Sam is so ugly he has been mistaken for everything from a space alien to a burn victim
4) SAM is a simple voice answering machine
5) SAM is especially essential in wartime when diplomacy and negotiation become critical elements of national security strategy.
6) Sam is ultimately a steadying hand.
7) Sam is the cartoon embodiment of the government of the United States
8) SAM is distributed without cost to Academic Institutions for research purposes
9) Sam is winning as usual. No one can pee as high as he can.
10) Sam is called a sea cow because that's what he looks like

1)Ariell is blown up INSIDE the JUMBO Helium Foil Mylar balloon which is also blown up.
2)Ariell is a 666 years old female elf warrior.
3)Ariell, is also known for her high temper and extraordinary skill
with a short sword.
4)Miss Ariell is as good a girl as ever drew breath.
5)Daniel says whenever he is crying Ariell is always there to cheer him up.
6)Ariell is a corruption
7)Ariell is older than her twin
8)Ariell is boatmaster
9)ariell is a ugly bitch -fuck u.
10)Ariell is also waiting outside for you, i believe you wanted to speak with her?

1) The fans, of course, think Michael is The Sexy.
2) Michael is abandoning the music business to release his songs
online for free instead.
3) Whenever some act of wondrous power must be performed, Michael is sent, so that his action and his name may make it clear that no one can do what God does
4) Another recent film of Michael's is Almost Famous
5) MICHAEL IS FREE! MICHAEL IS FREE! white people get away with everything
6) Michael is also the highest paid racing driver in the world
7) Michael is obviously influenced by rhythym & blues
8) Michael is overcome with guilt and loss.
9) Did You Know That Mr. Michael Is Gay?
10) Michael is not entirely thoughtless -- he is slow, not stupid

1) Rachael: Is this testing whether I'ma replicant or a lesbian, Mr. Deckard?
2) But Rachael is only part of the murder equation. Everyone wanted to see Bernard Bailey dead; he was a monster.
3) rachael is in trouble
4) Rachael is the most up-front agony aunt in Britain.
5) rachael is now working as a "greeter" in the lawn & garden department
6) He is tied up and DUN-DUN-DUN it is revealed that Rachael is still alive, and is a double agent, actually working with Gundars.
7) Rachael is an experiment, nothing more.
8) Rachael is Insane. I don't normally post more than one blog entry in a day but this is ... Rachael is insane!
9) If Rachael is not here, I, where do I go? ... But Rachael is for me, and I am for Rachael. ... and Rachael is not with me, my soul is not with me.
10) Rachael is also featured on one million packages of Atta Boy.

1) Tyler is cool, collected, and incredibly cerebral
2) Tyler is Arwen has been moved
3) If Tyler is guilty, then I've lost faith in the entire sport
4) Tyler is used to turning heads
5) Tyler is sometimes referred to as the Rose
6) Tyler is among the best in the city
7) Tyler is on the right track -- maybe sex is all about gains-from-trade
8) Tyler is NOT government supported
9) Tyler is Eliminated
10) Tyler is a delightful boy who is bubbling with energy and great enthusiasm for life.

My references make me: Tyler Durden, Liv Tyler, Tyler Hamilton, Tyler, TX (the city,) an economist, a reality show contestant, and a candidate for adoption.
This piece goes here, and that one goes...

No, that's not right.

Perhaps if I take this one here and the other one over there...

Fuck it. This is useless.

Where do they go? More importantly, where are the rest of them?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Dear Sir,

If you want to sound like a pompous windbag, a great way to do so is by using plenty of words that are large or infrequently used. It works even better if you're not clear on their meaning yourself. "Diatribe" means "a bitter, abusive denunciation," not a "conversation" or a "disagreement." I futhermore regret to inform you that capitalizing nouns is not an acceptable way to add emphasis; this trend went out of fashion more than a century ago. Currently, one should only capitlize proper nouns, or words that begin a sentence. Titles may be capitalized when referring to a particular person including that title, e.g., Vice President Smith. They should be left lower case when the name is omitted.

With regard to cliches, I don't believe they're very useful when the words in them are mixed up, and frequently don't do much to clarify meaning. You suggest we should "Toe in." I'm unclear if you mean that we ought to "Toe the line," and, if so, what rules you mean us to follow. If instead you mean we should "pitch in" in the sense of "contribute," then perhaps you could say that. It would be much clearer for all of us.

Finally, a note on prepositions: perhaps you became tangled up WITH certain members of the club, but I should hope you did not become tangled up IN them.

In closing, I would suggest you begin by taking a course in remedial grammar, followed by an introductory textbook (any ought to do fine) on modern American vocabulary. This should prevent future confusion, and, eventually, may allow you to sound as pompous as you like.

Kindest regards,

Yours Truly