Tossing and Tortured 'Till Dawn

I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.

Monday, January 30, 2006


This stuff is crack.

I just bought one, because for whatever reason the tea isn't doing its thing. Perhaps because tea contains only antioxidants and a little caffeine, but MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS have it all: natural flavor, color added, potassium sorbate, taurine, ascorbic acid, panax ginseng, l-carnitine, maltodextrin, sucralose, asesulfame potassium, sodium chloride, guarana, insitol, glucuronolactone, niacinamide, and pyridoxine!

Okay, well, I know sodium chloride is table salt, ascorbic acid is vitamin C, and niacinamide is a vitamin source. What the hell else is the rest of it?

Lots of stimulants, artificial sweeteners, and other joys.

I know I shouldn't really be drinking this shit.

Artificial, yes, plus two bucks each.

I don't buy them every day anymore, but nothing else gives me quite the same rush of silly pleasure, so I can't resist it today.

It's tough to live the straight and narrow of a natural, simple life.

At least I don't smoke.

Or, eat meat.

Or watch television, own a car, eat fast food, or any of the other toxic components of American life. But I've got this vice to bring me down to earth.

P.S. Why the "low-carb," artificial-sweetened version? It ain't some fatkins nonsense, and my 138-pound ass doesn't really need the "weight loss," but

Full-sugar version has 200 calories of pure, pure sugar. Energy? You betcha, but if I'm not actively exercising, the insulin spike and crash means I fall asleep in 45 minutes after drinking one. Some energy drink that would be.

P.P.S. I shouldn't use the phrase "138-pound ass." You might get confused. I realize that more than a third of americans are OBESE. I would have to gain more than 50 pounds to be considered "overweight," and another 50 on top of that to be at the very bottom of the obesity scale. Plenty of Americans might have an ASS that weighs 138 pounds. I should say "138-pound self," though that doesn't sound as vehement.


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