Tossing and Tortured 'Till Dawn

I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

The Not Hot List 2007

I'm not normally terribly excited about the whole celebrity thing, but I only live in a cave half-time, so when I see magazine covers or TV show clips, sometimes I'm amazed, and it's often a confused sort of amazement. Particuarly, many of the women in the mainstream media seem admired mostly for their appeance, which I suppose I should expect, but so many of them aren't even that great to look at, and that's what this list is about. It's only about women because I'm a straight male, and it's only about those who are "supposed" to be attractive to me. Though I'm all for respecting people's accomplishments as artists and human beings, that's not what I'm concerned with at the moment of inspiration. I'll admit, though, it's much easier to make my "not" list if you don't really DO anything apart from pose for the camera and maybe sing some easy-to-sing songs.

Without further ado:

1 ) Britney Spears: Okay, most people probably are about done with Ms Spears since the recent drama regarding her estranged husband, her children, and her underwear, but, I promise, I was blase about her from the get-go. Sure, when she first "burst onto the scene" as a pop princess, she was cute, but only a bit, and if you put her into any nightclub-party scene she'd be outshone by most of the women there. With plain, girl-next-door features and an expanding/shrinking figure, even without pregnancy, Spears just earns a big yawn. Though it isn't part of appearance per se, a sexy voice would earn back some points, but when she tries it just sounds like a cheesy copy.

2 ) Jessica Simpson: Yeah, she's got long legs and has spent a lot of time spraying tanning lotion on them. I see her on 36,000 magazine covers, and it's always the same: her face has too many creases in the wrong directions, and when she smiles those gleaming-white teeth, her eyes don't light up the way you'd expect. She looks like a caricature of herself. I think there's a decent chance if you put another persona in Jessica's head, I might find her at least pretty, but beauty -- even the physical side of it -- is more than just cheekbones and chin shape, it's the way it all interacts. She's probably the most physically attractive of the "not list," but she's also the most hyped for being some kind of sex goddess, and I just don't get it.

3 ) Fergie: I'd heard two of her songs / rap pieces several times on radio stations before ever actually seeing a picture of her, and I actually laughed out loud. This is a woman whose fame is built upon declaring "them boys ... be lining down the block just to watch what I got," not to mention "My Humps,", whose lyrics I looked up at the guffawing request of a friend. Um, seriously: what boys are these? I'll pass...

4 ) Jennifer Aniston: I have nothing bad to say about Jennifer Aniston; I think she's a slightly more attractive than average woman, honestly. But that's it, and it's a far cry from what many men seem to think of her. I must be missing something, but even since the earliest days of "Friends" I've never been able to figure out what it is. I have a good friend who thinks that Aniston is absolutely his dream girl, and this disparity confuses me, since men's opinions on the fairer sex are usually fairly base and hormonal.


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